interview: bullying

1. Name calling and verbal taunting;
2. Hitting and pushing in an effort to get the other person worked up; or
3. Assaulting or threatening to do violence.

He said that “bullying can be direct, like teasing, taunting, threatening, hitting, and stealing. Bullying can also be indirect by causing isolation, embarrassment, spreading rumors, and being socially excluded.”

Whatever the case, bullying is persistent and abusive. It makes the recipient feel upset, threatened, humiliated or vulnerable, which undermines their self-confidence and which may cause them to suffer stress.

Eric’s immediate advice to students is always:

• Protect yourself while it is happening! Ignore the words, protect yourself from physical harm, and remember that property is not as important as your safety.
• Ask for help.
• Try to resist challenging the bully as this will only serve to escalate the situation.
• Our goal is peace, not to forcefully win!
• Remember that bullying is a pattern of negative behavior by the bully. The bully needs help to stop bullying, and that means making some kind of intervention.

Here are a couple of stories from Eric’s experience as a conflict mediator along with his suggestions for dealing with the situations.

Let’s say a boy, José, is being teased by a "friend" about his accent. José can ask to speak with this person in private. He can then let the bully know that this teasing hurts his feelings. José should tell his “friend” that he should know that he is already a little uncomfortable about his accent; he is trying hard to change this because HE wants to.

It is important for José to stress to the bully that he knows that the bully could be a better friend. In this way, José shows that he values his friendship with the other child, he reminds his friend that he has feelings, and he stresses the friend's positive abilities and not just the mistakes. The bullying is dealt with in a non-combative way.

If the bullying continues in this situation, José should find an adult who is friendly with both boys and ask this person to help. These efforts are usually enough to work the situation out.

Consider another situation: A girl, Shya, is getting beaten up by other girls because she is dating a guy of another ethnicity. These girls are his friends and don't like the fact that "another type" of girl is dating him. They tell Shya that if she rats on them, they will beat her up worse.

Shya’s first action should be to get away from, and avoid these girls. Her next choice may be to let her boyfriend know what is going on. The other girls may be embarrassed that he knows what they are doing, and they may just stop. Or, he can convince them to stop.

In violent situations where one is being assaulted, talking out the problem is NOT a first option! This can occur AFTER authorities are notified and intervene. If adults at the school are not responsive then Shya should go to the police.

Eric’s emphasizes these action steps:

1. The first and most important step is to avoid the bullying while attempting to find help.
2. Next, one needs to find a way to act on this bullying before a routine is established. Often times the relationship of the victim and the bully has a lot to do with what reactions are provoked.
3. If the victim knows the bully, he or she may be able to talk to this person and explain how they feel about the situation. This is best done outside of the bullying activity and in private.
4. The next step would be to approach a Peer-Mediation program at the school. Other students can sometimes be of great help.
5. Finally, the person is being bullied could go to an adult for help-a teacher or a security guard. Sometimes the police must be called in when they bully chooses not to change their own behavior.

He also said that “the damage from teasing should not be discounted. Students should know that they have the right to be safe and happy. They should also know how to ask for help when needed.”

Eric noted that, “Victims often avoid going to others for help because they don't want to be snitches, but they need to realize that it is the bully, and not them, who is making the mistake and acting anti-socially and abusive. They have a right to protect themselves from this.”

He also said that sometimes there is a cultural motivation to avoid being labeled a snitch. People are embarrassed that they are being bullied. They feel week or helpless and they don't want to be a bother or make things onto a "big deal". Occasionally, they don't want to hurt the bully. Victims need to know that this is exactly what the bully needs to keep themselves bullying. Without this illusion the bully will soon be put out of commission -as a bully.

If you are being bullied or you see someone being bullied, should you confront the bully?

Sometimes, standing your ground surprises and knocks the wind out of a bully, especially when they are looking for someone to fear them. Sometimes, it is just what they were looking for to escalate the situation; this can be dangerous. The type of bullying often dictates what response one should take. Though you might be frustrated, your first priority should be to avoid harm to yourself. Again, this is pattern behavior. The person who is bullying needs to get help.

What are the main reasons children become bullies?

Children sometimes become bullies because they were once victims; and it is safer to be a bully than a victim. Children with low self-esteem often begin bullying, and bullies maintain their self-perception because they feel in control or powerful. Some children never learned pro-social skills of making friends and bullying is a distorted attempt to reach out to others. Bullying is often a cry for help. These explanations for and understandings should be used to reshape the bullying behavior, but they are never an excuse.

If an adult catches one kid harassing another, what should they do?

The adult should speak to the child. Don't yell or "bully" back. Usually the bullying child has needs in their life that are not being met. Ask questions and really listen to and respond to answers.

• Why would you do this?
• Do you know it is wrong?
• Have you ever been bullied?
• Do you have to do this or is there an alternative?

Self-awareness of the bully is key to helping them change their behavior! The bully, who is controlled, explodes when not kept in check. The bully who can know himself or herself, and begin to practice empathy, learns to stop bullying. Caring in the face of anger must be a conscious and exact choice.

If an adult knows that this bully behavior is taking place on a regular basis, what systematic approach should they take to solve the situation?

I suggest that the adult take a personal interest in the welfare of the bully. Caring and building a positive relationship can direct the bully towards a better behavior. This has longer lasting positive results, for the bully and potential victims, than just setting a clear and direct limit for the bully to not bother someone.

My other suggestion is to find out more about bullying. There are ways of dealing with bullying that work… and they are not just the things that we know about, or use already. The Internet has some great places to visit for help and information.